if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
