I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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