We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
