you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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