so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So vagazzling was a success
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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