is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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