I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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