I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
