we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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