some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
