i permit you to call me
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
