just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
