you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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