Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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