break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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