god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
