There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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