I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Randomize
