Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
