Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize