Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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