He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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