Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
