I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
