After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
