3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Who wears a wallet chain?!
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
