Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
