We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
