So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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