Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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