Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
