It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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