no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize