I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
