1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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