I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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