maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
