the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
