I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
