my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
