Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
