I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
