Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
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