I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
