I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
babies were throwing up all over the place
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
