just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
