cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Randomize
