Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
