Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
