she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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