cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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