textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
