Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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