I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
