watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
