Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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